Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
