Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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