Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
