If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
