just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
