When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
