he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?