I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
