she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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