is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
