OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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