Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
