My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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