Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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