walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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