my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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