im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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