I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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