When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
