Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
