You just made me feel so damn special
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
