I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
