she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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