Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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