broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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