It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
