I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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