I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
