How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
