Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
