I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
