I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Drunk is a universal language darling
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