Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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