I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
