My liver just broke up with me...
My hand turned me down
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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