Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
