I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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