Who did Billy Mays play for?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
