Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh god it's open bar.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
