well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
