I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
