So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
