Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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