We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
