He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
