Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
