I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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