I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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