u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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