Your dad touched me again.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
