my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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