So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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